Tax Time

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to Audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
To the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box
of Candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
Question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What About all these biscuit
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was Trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send Them back to the manufacturers, and every now
and then they send a free Box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover Foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is Save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a Year they send us a complete prick''.

There, there Billy

A man was walking through the park pushing his son in a stroller.

The child was crying at the top of his voice and try as he might, his father could not calm him down.

On the verge of despair he said, "Take it easy, Billy, it'll eventually be okay."

A woman passing stopped to remark, "How nicely you treat Billy. You are such a sweet man, it's very obvious that you love your son very much."

The startled man replied, "Ma'am, I am Billy."

Hearing Problems?

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

A man was telling his neighbor,

'I just bought a new hearing aid.

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.

It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor .

'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

Seniors Joke #3

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Crushed Nuts?

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

*****************************************************************************************************

Cree Prophecy

When all the trees have been cut down,

when all the animals have been hunted,

when all the waters are polluted,

when all the air is unsafe to breathe,

only then will you discover you cannot eat money.

Can You Remeber That?

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too.

Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that.

You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream.

I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!

Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD ..



Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.


You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit.


Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.

You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.

You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.

You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.

Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.


You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.


You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.

Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.

And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!

You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!

Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head..........

Well, Shit Happens!!!

Seniors Joke #2

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he Didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Forgetful

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Seniors Joke #1

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Some of you may be wondering what Judge Roy Moore has been doing since he was removed from the bench for refusing to remove the Ten Commandments from his courtroom wall. Please read the poem he wrote.

The following is a poem written by Judge Roy Moore from Alabama . Judge Moore was sued by the ACLU for displaying the Ten Commandments in his courtroom foyer. He has been stripped of his judgeship and now they are trying to strip his right to practice law in Alabama! The judge's poem sums it up quite well.



America the beautiful,
or so you used to be.
Land of the Pilgrims' pride;
I'm glad they'll never see.

Babies piled in dumpsters,
Abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty;
your house is on the sand.

Our children wander aimlessly
poisoned by cocaine
choosing to indulge their lusts,
when God has said abstain

From sea to shining sea,
our Nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love
and a need to always pray.

We've kept God in our temples,
how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool,
and Heaven is His throne.

We've voted in a government
that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless Judges;
who throw reason out the door,

Too soft to place a killer
in a well deserved tomb,
But brave enough to kill a baby
before he leaves the womb.

You think that God's not angry,
that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait
before His judgment comes?

How are we to face our God,
from Whom we cannot hide?
What then is left for us to do,
but stem this evil tide?

If we who are His children,
will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face
and mend our evil way:

Then God will hear from Heaven;
and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land
and those who live within.

But, America the Beautiful,
If you don't - then you will see,
A sad but Holy God
withdraw His hand from Thee.

~~Judge Roy Moore~~

This says it all. May we all forward this message and offer our prayers for Judge Moore to be blessed and for America to wake up and realize what we need to do to keep OUR America the Beautiful.


Let's lift Judge Moore up in prayer.
He has stood firm and needs our support.


IN GOD WE TRUST!

One day, a man went to visit a church..

He got there early, parked his car, and got out.

Another car pulled up and the driver got out and said,"I always park there!

You took my place!" The visitor went inside for Sunday School, found an empty seat and sat down.

A young lady from the church approached him and stated,

"That's my seat! You took my place!"

The visitor was somewhat distressed by this rude welcome, but said nothing.

After Sunday School, the visitor went into the sanctuary and sat down.

Another member walked up to him and said,

"That's where I always sit! You took my place!"

The visitor was even more troubled by this treatment, but still He said nothing.

Later as the congregation was praying for Christ to dwell among them,the visitor stood up, and his appearance began to change.

Horrible scars became visible on his hands and on his sandaled feet.

Someone from the congregation noticed him and called out, "What happened to you?"

The visitor replied, as his hat became a crown of thorns, and a tear fell from his eye,

"I took your place."

Irish Whiskey

An Irish priest and a rabbi have a head-on collision. The priest regains consciousness first and gets out of his car. He pulls the rabbi out of his car and helps him to the side of the road.

The priest says, "Sit still, rabbi. I've got something in me glove compartment that will help ye." The priest brings back a bottle of Irish whiskey and tells the rabbi, "Take a good, long drink, rabbi. It will clear your head." The rabbi takes a healthy swig and, looking to thank the priest, exclaims,

"My god father, you look in terrible shape too! Aren't you going to have a drink?"

"Aye, I'll be having me a drink," replies the priest, "Directly after the police file the accident report!"

SIX BLACK KITTENS

One night Jerry brought home a dozen red roses to his wife. "How lovely,
dear," she said,

"What's the occasion?"

"I want to make love to you" he said simply.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a headache."

The next night, Jerry came home with a big box of chocolates and
explained that he wanted to make love with her.

"I'm awfully tired, honey" said his wife. "Not tonight."

Every night for a week Jerry brought home something, but each time his
wife's answer was no.

Finally he came home with six black
kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his
wife.

"How adorable, Jerry," she exclaimed. "But what are they for?"

"These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.":

Aprons

Aprons (I remember this so well & you might too)

I don't think our kids know what an apron is.

The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.

It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.

From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.

When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.

And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.

Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.

Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen ! in that apron.

From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.

In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.

When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.

When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.

It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.

REMEMBER.........

Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.

Her granddaughters set theirs on the kitchen counter to thaw

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date
with this see-through blouse on and no bra.

Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate....

The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie.

If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

FISHING CAMP

The guys were all at fishing camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly.

They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they
voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn.

In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man.

The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

"Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night.

He sat up and watched me all night!"

7 kinds of sex

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner
for a short time and you are so needy you will
have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner
for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner
for too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
more. She takes you to court and screws you
in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,

The 7th kind of sex is called: Canada Pension Sex.

* You get a little each month,
but not enough to enjoy your self.

PLEASE, DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME
WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own.

BLESSED CANADA

On the sixth day God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said:

"Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty.

It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats, and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"


"Not really," replied God "just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!"

AMEN!

Little Boy at the Nude Beach

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "things" than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother, "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets".

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it
goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need
to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
"CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!
It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's
why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side" That
chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple
as that!

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2005, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
check book.Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?

The Pastor's Ass


The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the Race Again and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of Publicity that he ordered The Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.


The next day, the local paper headline Read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get Rid Of the donkey.


The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline The Next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted.

He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so She sold it to a farmer for $10.


The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back The Donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run Wild.


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . Being concerned about public opinion Can bring you much grief and misery. . Even shorten your Life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier And live a lot longer!

Easter explained

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.

He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what
Easter represented.

The first blonde, an American, said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde, a Brit, said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."


She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish Festival of Passover.

Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him.
The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died.
Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder. "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the Boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more Weeks of hockey."

St. Peter fainted.

UNBELIEVABLE MATH PROBLEM

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.

Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country.

1. Grab the calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head).

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT the area code).

3. Multiply by 80.

4. Add 1.

5. Multiply by 250.

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250.

9. Divide number by 2.

Do you recognize the answer??????????

Bubba's New Truck

One day, Johnny Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. Bubba, where'd yagit dat truck?!?' 'Tina gived it to me'Bubba replied. 'She gived it toya? 'I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya,but a new truck?' 'Well, Johnny, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 301,in the middle of no wheres. Tina pulled off the road, put the truck in fur-wheel drive,and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck! ' 'Bubba, yore a smart man!Them clothes woulda never fit ya