Haircut of the Year...

Will I Live To See 80?

I recently went to a new doctor.

After two visits and extensive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'

I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?' .

GO FLY A KITE!

A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while his wife is watching from the kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to him, "You need a piece of tail!"

The man turns with a confused look on his face and cries, "Make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite!"

Who says Today's Kids aren't smart?? (Well, some of them are!!!)

I wish I'd thought of this...

At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on
the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.
1,2,4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

"Motivational Posters" #1

Duck Hunter

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak...

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind
blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor. 'Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there
was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the
buckshot.'

'What's the bad news?' asked the hunter.

'The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done
to your penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother.'

'Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad,' the hunter replied. 'Is your brother
a plastic surgeon?'

'Not exactly.' answered the doctor. 'He's a flute player in the local
symphony and he's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
piss in your eye.'

"Motivational Posters" #4

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday.

Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.

And, there on television, she said it was 'exciting.' Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts.

They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.

The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the r ight decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will
never forget how you made them feel.'

PUNS

The ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open
foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist
across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd
diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so
bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

Taxes #2

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL License Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax

Fuel Perm it Tax

Gasoline Tax

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Inventory Tax

IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),

IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax),

Liquor Tax,

Luxury Tax,

Marriage License Tax,

Medicare Tax,

Property Tax,

Real Estate Tax,

Service charge taxes,

Social Security Tax,

Road Usage Tax (Truckers),

Sales Taxes,

Recreational Vehicle Tax,

School Tax,

State Income Tax,

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),

Telephone Federal Excise Tax,

Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax,

Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,

Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,

Telephone State and Local Tax,

Telephone Usage Charge Tax,

Utility Tax,

Vehicle License Registration Tax,

Vehicle Sales Tax,

Watercraft Registration Tax,

Well Permit Tax,

Workers Compensation Tax.

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,

And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!'

And I still have to 'press

1' for English.

I hope this goes around THE

USA and Canada at least 100 times

What the heck happened?????

Taxes

Tax his land,

Tax his wage,

Tax his bed in which he lays.

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes is the rule.

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirts,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he tries to think.

Tax his booze,

Tax his beers,

If he cries,

Tax his tears.

Tax his bills,

Tax his gas,

Tax his notes,

Tax his cash.

Tax him good and let him know

That after taxes, he has no dough.

If he hollers, Tax him more,

Tax him until he's good and sore.

Tax his coffin, Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in which he lays.

Put these words upon his tomb,

'Taxes drove me to my doom!'

And when he's gone, We won't relax,

We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!

From the Mouths of Babes

LOT'S WIFE:

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN:

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms.'

HIGHER POWER:

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA :

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.
'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:

A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.'

UNANSWERED PRAYER?

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.

'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'

'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.

BEING THANKFUL

A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'

The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did just then!'

TIME TO PRAY

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

'Yes, sir,' the boy replied.

'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the pastor asked.

'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).

For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
'And all girls.' As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?'

Her response, 'Because we always finish our prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.

'I don't have to,' The boy replied.

'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a prayer before eating, at our house.'

'That's our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!

Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described the Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

JUST A MOM

A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County Clerk's office was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.

She hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

'What I mean is,' explained the recorder, 'do you have a job or are you just a......?'

'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.

'I'm a Mom.'

'We don't list 'Mom' as an occupation, 'housewife' covers it,' said the recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same situation, this time at our own Town Hall.

The Clerk was obviously a career woman, poised, efficient and possessed of a high sounding title like, 'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'

'What is your occupation?' she probed.

What made me say it? I do not know.

The words simply popped out. 'I'm a Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human Relations.'

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair and looked up as though she had not heard right.

I repeated the title slowly emphasizing the most significant words.

Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement was written, in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.

'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest, 'just what you do in your field?'

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself reply, 'I have a continuing program of research, [what mother doesn't) in the laboratory and in the field, (normally I would have said indoors and out).

I'm working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family) and already have four credits (all daughters).

Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities, (any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it).
But the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are more of a satisfaction rather than just money.'

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she completed the form, stood up and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new career,

I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.

Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model, (a 6 month old baby) in the child development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone on the official records as someone more distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another Mom.'

Motherhood! What a glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.

Does this make grandmothers 'Senior Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations' and great grandmothers 'Executive Senior Research Associates'?

I think so!!!

I also think it makes Aunts 'Associate Research Assistants'.